The Break Up
by Nightcrawler's Shadow
Summary: Lance is an ass, Kitty's ticked and everyone else is hiding in the closet. Anti-Lancitty so cue evil laughter


Disclaimer: I do not own the X Men or **FRIENDS (which is what most of this one shot is taken from; i.e. the majority of the dialogue)**

A/N: I just had this piece floating around on my USB stick and I was bored, so tada! I give you a one shot way earlier than usual!

Kurt shook his head in amazement as Rogue and Jean continued on their escapade to teach him, Evan and Scott the finer aspects of: Crazy Woman Disorder.

They ran into the walk in closet of the rec. room when they'd heard a loud crash, only to find that Jean and Rogue were calmly –literally, they were completely calm- trying to figure out which movie to watch that night. That was when the front door slammed open.

"Come on, Kitty, come on!" they heard Lance's voice ring down the halls, and getting closer, accompanied by hastened footsteps.

"Kitty talk to me please!" Scott and Kurt shared a look before Scott closed the door, not seconds later they all pressed their ears up against the wood.

"What is going on?" Rogue asked curiously.

Kurt had a sinking feeling that he knew.

"No, I can't even look at you right now!" Kitty cried, sounding like she was about to either cry or punch someone.

"I thought Kitty said everything was okay." Jean whispered. The night before, she and Lance had gotten into a huge fight, ending with them being 'on a break' but Kitty had later told her that she didn't want to be on a break and had proceeded to call Lance, leaving a message that she wanted to make everything better. Apparently, Kitty had gone over there earlier to make up, saying that she knew everything would be okay.

"Just get away from me!" Kitty yelled furiously, Kurt had never heard her so upset.

"Kitty, it was a mistake. I made a mistake!" Lance returned forcefully.

"A mistake? What were you _trying_ to put it in, her _purse_?"

Everyone gave each other confused looks.

"Wh-Where did he put it?" Evan asked no one, still listening hard.

"Lance, you had sex with another girl!"

Kurt's jaw went slack along with everyone else's.

"Oh mein Gott." Kurt whispered, too shocked to even register that he wanted to knock the door down and attack Lance for hurting Kitty.

"You know what, I want you to leave, just get out! Get out now!" They heard Kitty throw open was must have been the door, with quite a lot of force, because it made quite a loud bang when it hit the wall.

"What? No, no! I wanna stay, I wanna talk about this!" Lance defended.

Evan, while trying to avoid Kurt's lashing tail, grabbed his arms to keep him from banging down the door.

"Okay!" there was another slam as the door was thrown shut, "Alright, how was she?"Kitty was suddenly, terrifyingly calm. Which -as all the X Men knew- was not a good sign.

"Uh oh." Scott muttered; the guys all shared panicked looks. Rogue and Jean only stared at the door.

"What?" Lance was confused.

"Was she good?" Kitty sounded dead serious.

"Don't answer that." Evan said out loud out of reflex.

"Come on Lance, you said you wanted to talk about it, let's talk about it. How was she?" her voice was rising. Rogue wondered how long it would take to get the bloodstains out of the carpet.

"She was..."Lance trailed off.

The boys started listing possible answers, "Awful." "She wasn't good." "Horrible." "Not good, not good." "Nothing compared to you." Rogue and Jean would have found it incredibly amusing if it weren't for the situation.

"She...she was different." Lance was scrambling.

"Ooh!" "Uh oh." Even as they spoke, Kurt and Evan didn't move away from the door.

"_Good_ different?" Kitty's voice was now a low hiss.

"Nobody likes change." Lance replied after a few seconds.

They heard Kitty gave a huff before the sounds of paper hitting body met their ears. Kitty was beating Lance with the newspaper left on the coffee table.

"Should we do something?" Jean asked softly.

"Yeah, never cheat on Kitty." Evan stated in a stunned voice.

"I'm sorry!" Lance again tried to defend himself, "Okay, I'm sorry. I was disgusted with myself. And this morning I was so, I was so upset and then I got your message and I was so happy!" Lance spoke as if this would fix everything, "And all I wanted was her out of the house as fast as possible!"

"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" Kitty stopped him mid grovel, "Wait a minute...What time did your little friend leave?" Kurt could imagine the expression on Shadowcat's face. Dread in her eyes as she focused on Lance.

"We-" Lance didn't have any words and their jaws dropped yet again.

"Oh my God..." Kitty sounded sick and faint, "She was there. She was still there...She was there when I was there!" her voice rose to a shriek again and there was silence on Lance's behalf for a few seconds before they heard her go after him with the newspaper again.

"Listen, listen!" his voice sounded close to the door, "The important thing is she meant _nothing_ to me!"

"And yet she was worth _jeopardising our relationship_!" a loud thump hit the closet door –causing them to jump- and they knew she'd thrown the newspaper and he'd ducked to avoid it.

"Look, I didn't think there was a relationship _to_ jeopardize." Lance was begging again, Kurt bitterly thought he should beg more often.

"I thought we were broken up!" Lance started to get mad.

"We were on a _break_." Kitty growled, moving back into the danger zone.

"That for all I knew could last forever! That to me is a _break up_."

"You think you're gonna get out of this on a technicality?" Kitty was blatantly pissed off.

"I thought our relationship was dead!" Lance shouted.

"Well, you sure had a hell of a time at the wake." Kitty snapped.

"I don't think we should listen to this anymore." Evan whispered, going for the door handle.

"What are you doing?" Rogue grabbed his arm to pull him back, "We can't go out there."

"Why not?"

"They'll know we've been listening." Jean explained.

"God!" They were drawn back to the battle outside, "And to hear about it from _Toad_!" Kitty sounded disgusted again.

"Come on, like I wanted him to tell you!"Lance apparently had no tact, whatsoever, "I ran all over trying to make sure _that_ didn't happen!"

Those in the closet winced simultaneously.

"Oh...that is so _sweet_!" Kitty's voice was definitely becoming hysterical and half crazy now, "I think I'm falling in love with you all over again!" sarcasm dripped from her tone.

"Well, what was I supposed to do?" Lance asked furiously.

"Tell me the truth!" Kitty shrieked.

The boys exchanged panicked glances.

"Seal the door shut, ve're never leaving ever." Kurt stated seriously.

oOo

Several hours later they all found themselves slumped against the walls of the closet, listening to the silence outside, but they knew Lance and Kitty were still out there. Kurt would have ported them out hours ago, but they were all worried about the noise he would make and if it would alert the warring couple outside.

"Don't you realize that _none_ of this would've happened if I hadn't thought at that exact time _you_ were having sex with Nightcrawler?"

Everyone stared at Kurt and he glared at the door, "I vas comforting her, because _you_ made her cry you Arschloch." (Asshole)

"Alright." Kitty's tone spoke that she agreed with that to a degree, "Say I _had_ slept with Kurt...would you have been able to forgive me?" Kitty didn't sound mad, nor was she happy or sad, she was just...empty.

Lance stuttered for a moment, "Yes I would."

"Really? You'd be okay if you knew that Kurt had kissed me, and been naked with me and made love to me?" she didn't believe him for a second.

"_Yes_." Lance's voice was tight with controlled anger.

"If you knew that our hot, sweaty, _writhing_ bodies were-"

Lance started shouting very loudly and obnoxiously, "La, la, la, la, la, la, la!"

Kurt felt his face go very hot as Kitty spoke, and so did everyone else. Kitty was a virgin, how was she so calm in speaking like that?

"Okay, okay! I would have hated it, but...I would still want to be with you." Lance calmed, "Because it's, I mean it's _you_."

Kurt gagged at the obviously fake sentiment.

oOo

It was nearing midnight and finally, things were calming down again, but the little group of X Men was still caught in the closet while Kitty and Lance had taken over the rec. room as their battlefield.

"Look Kitty, I'm sorry. Okay, I'm sorry. I was out of my mind." Lance was pleading for the uncountable time that hour, "I thought I'd lost you, I didn't know what to do. Come on, how insane must I be to have done something like this?"

~_Pretty damn stupid if you ask me. ~_ Kurt thought.

"I don't cheat! Alright, that's not me, I'm not Pietro!"

"No you're _worse_." Rogue hissed.

"I'm not the one who wanted that _break_, anyways!" Lance's voice rose and Kurt groaned, they were just repeating the same cycle over and _over_ again!

"You're the one that bailed on us." Lance was the one throwing the accusations this time, "You're the one that ran the moment things got a little rough!"

"That's..." Kitty was probably shaking her head.

"That's _what_?"

"That is neither here nor there."

"Well here we are, we're in a tough spot again! What do _you_ want to do?" Lance was getting exceedingly annoying to those left in the closet, "How do you want to handle it? Do you want to fight for us, or do you want to bail?"

There was silence for a few moments, "I think you should go." Kitty's voice was so soft they nearly didn't catch it.

"What?" Lance obviously didn't believe what he was hearing.

"I really think you need to go now." Kitty sounded the calmest she'd been all night.

They heard someone stand from the couch.

"This can't be it." Lance's voice was tight.

"Then how come it is?" Kitty replied, her voice tearful.

They heard the door open and close and a few seconds later. They exchanged glances before settling down into more comfortable positions. They'd wait for Kitty to calm down some before exiting their hiding place.

oOo

"It's been quiet for a long time now." Rogue stated around three in the morning.

"Maybe she killed him." Kurt tried not to sound too hopeful.

"Let's go." Scott stated and they all got up from their cramped positions, Kurt leading the way out of the storage room.

The rec. room was dark with Kitty curled up under a blanket on the couch, face tear stained and hair a mess. The all looked at her sadly, but Kurt was the only one to approach. He crouched down beside her and brushed her hair from her face before carefully lifting her into his arms and leaving the room. No one made a comment, knowing that Kurt would be the best person for Kitty to be with.

oOo

Kurt gently placed Kitty on his bed and drew the covers over her. He placed a soft kiss on her forehead before going and wetting a soft facecloth with warm water in the bathroom. Once done, he kneeled beside her again and started sponging off her face, cleaning the salty lines from her skin.

Kitty mumbled something in her sleep and her eyes opened drowsily, "Kurt?"

"Ssh, hush Katzchen, go back to sleep." He whispered.

She reached out and cupped his cheek, rubbing her thumb over the fur there, "Thanks Fuzzy Elf."

He smiled sadly and kissed her forehead again, not missing how her eyes glazed over with unshed tears, "I'm here for you Katzchen, I love you."

She sniffed, but forced out a smile, "I love you too." She closed her eyes and drifted off as Kurt continued wiping her face with soft strokes, hopefully lulling her into peaceful dreams.

oOo

A/N: A bit different from what a usually write, but oh well.

**The majority of this one shot comes from the episode of FRIENDS: 'The One With the Morning After' I claim no ownership of that.**

For you uneducated, FRIENDS is an American sitcom that ran from 1994 to 2004, starred David Schwimmer as Ross Geller (Lance's character) Jennifer Aniston as Rachel Green(Kitty's character) Matt LeBlanc as Joey Tribbiani, Matthew Perry as Chandler Bing, Courteny Cox as Monica Geller (Ross's little sister) and Lisa Kudrow as Phoebe Buffay (these characters' dialogue was spread between Kurt, Evan, Rogue, Jean and Scott)

I highly suggest going to watch some of the episodes on YouTube or renting the DVDs it was one of the best (and still is in my mind) series to ever be on TV and I wish they'd continued past the ten seasons, or at least had a reunion show.

(I still have no end note)


End file.
